


Communication Barriers

by Cameron (BellaKatrina)



Category: Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter - Laurell K. Hamilton, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, MASH (TV), Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 21:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3870022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BellaKatrina/pseuds/Cameron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Various ficlets, all involving Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and all focusing on the difficulties of communication. Ficlets include Dawn + Viktor Krum, Xander + Vala Maldoran, Anyanka + Frank Burns, Willow + Weasley twins, Giles + Daniel Jackson, and Mr. Gordo + Sigmund (no relationship pairings, just interactions).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Communication Barriers

**1\. Communication Barriers**

_Disclaimer: Still don’t own BtVS or the Harry Potter ‘verses (thank you, Joss Whedon and JK Rowling)._

If she didn’t stop whining soon, he was going to hex his own ears off. When Hermione had asked him to help one of her co-workers, he agreed without thinking twice. He’d do anything that made his Hermione happy. In retrospect, he should have asked her why she wasn’t going to help her friend. That would have been the smart thing to do.

 

"But Viktor…"

 

"Enough! I have translated that page five times already! It is the same as it was the last time. I am done with that passage. Next."

 

"But it doesn’t make any sense!"

 

"That’s not my problem. You ask me to translate, I translate. You never said I must understand what I translate."

 

"You actually think I can report that ‘the wintering wombat sprouts wings through the Delphian’ to the Council? Are you nuts?" She wadded up the piece of paper in front of her and threw it at him. It bounced harmlessly off his folded arms. "Let’s move on to the next one. Maybe it won’t be so confusing. It’s not like the wombat one can be that important anyhow."

 

She bounced back into her seat. "Hey, how do you say ‘trans-dimensinal portal’ in Bulgarian? That could be so useful to know."

 

He put his head in his hands. Miss Summers was insufferable. He wouldn’t have even given her to his worst enemy. The only thing he can think of was that Hermione should be glad that he loved her as much as he did.

 

**2\. 'Tis a Pirate's Life for Me**

_Disclaimer: The BtVS and SG1 verses definitely do NOT belong to me. I also do not own the rights to Talk Like a Pirate Day._

"Don’t make me shoot you."

 

Everyone in the commissary could tell that Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter was not happy. She was glaring at the man sitting opposite her, and poking her lunch with her fork in a particularly violent manner.

 

"Arrr! Cease or else me beauty will demote to a mere bilge rat? Well, blow me down smartly." He leered at her, or at least tried to. It was difficult to perform a proper leer with an eyepatch.

 

Sam threw down her napkin and stomped towards the door.

 

"Well, avast me. Me beauty treats me as if I were a scurvy dog." The man grinned at the other three men at the table.

 

"XanderHarris, you can stop conversing in that tone. You have annoyed us all greatly."

 

"Arrrrr, Teal’c, arrrr. ‘Twould only make me appear to be a lubber ‘er I stopped talking like a pirate today. And how can I possibly capture the heart of a fair lass as a lubber?"

 

Daniel and Cam just groaned and went back to their lunches.

 

. . . . . . . . . .

 

Xander whistled a jaunty tune as he wandered the halls of the complex. He’d had a great day so far. Willow and Buffy had both called to wish him a happy holiday, and

 

General Landry had allowed him to wear his costume without being keelhauled. He’d even managed to get under Sam’s skin at lunch.

 

He was so busy mentally recapping the day, that he didn’t even notice Vala’s presence until she linked her arm through his.

 

"Xander, darling! Have you seen my Daniel lately? He’s trying to hide from me, naughty boy."

 

"Arrrr, me buxom beauty, me mate Danny boy hasn’t been sighted since lunch. Do you mean that scallywag is avoiding a lass such as yourself. Avast!"

 

"Xander, are you feeling quite alright? You seem to not be yourself."

 

"Avast, wench! Wanna know why this Roger is so Jolly? ‘Tis a fine Earth holiday a lass such as yeself should know about."

 

"That sounds vaguely dirty, Xander. More?"

 

He grinned. Someone was finally celebrating with him! "Have ye ever met a man with a real yardarm?"

 

She was dragging him towards her quarters before he even realized that he’d made a tactical mistake.

 

. . . . . . . . . .

 

A faint knock at the door captured Daniel’s attention. When he saw the shape that Xander was in, he rushed to help his friend to a chair. His hair was disheveled, his belt was hanging unfastened from his belt loops, and he was missing one shoe.

 

"What happened to you?"

 

"Me beauty Vala shivered me timbers, but what a way t' go." Xander’s grin said it all. "Arrr, talk like a pirate day is definitely this capn’s favorite holiday."

 

**3\. Funny Ferret Face**

_Disclaimer: Still don’t own BtVS. M*A*S*H doesn’t belong to me either._

"I said, go away Burns! Why don’t you go… go… oh, go blow your own horn!"

 

"But Margaret…"

 

"Don’t you Margaret me, you lipless wonder! Get lost!"

 

Anya pulled the pillows over her head to drown up the sounds of the lovers’ spat in this D’offhryn-forsaken rat hole. Her roomie, Major Margaret Houlihan, and Major Frank Burns had been screaming at each other for the past hour. She was tempted to curse him on principle without Margaret even having to say the magic word.

 

"I said, go away Ferret Face!"

 

"But shnookums…"

 

That did it. She couldn’t stand to hear grown men whining. Crying, she lived for, but whining? Definite turn off.

 

Anya threw her pillow across the room, scoring a direct hit to Frank’s head. "Go the frak away! Move it, buster! I’ve had enough of this, and need my beauty sleep! You do NOT want to see me without it. GO. AWAY!!!"

 

"Frankly, LIEUTENANT, I wasn’t talking to you, and you can’t treat a superior officer that way. I’ll have you written up, and.…"

 

Anya stuck up her middle finger in his general direction.

 

Whatever he was planning on saying, he couldn’t say in his new form.

 

She pulled the covers back over her and tried to get comfortable again.

 

"But, but, but… what did you do to him?"

 

"Go to sleep, Hot Lips. I’ll explain in the morning. Seeing how neither of us can speak ferret, I doubt he’ll cause any more trouble tonight. Will you, Frankie?"

 

The ferret just squeaked in response.

 

**4\. Sunshine, Daisies, Whoops!**

_Disclaimer: BtVS? Not mine. HP? So not mine._

"Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this, Gred."

 

"Nonsense! Of course we should! What type of example would we be setting if we didn’t try to prank our own family? Besides, it’s harmless, just like trying to teach Ron that one ‘spell’ to turn a rat yellow. And even if it was a real spell, which I think you’ll agree that it’s not, it’s not like it would work for ickle Willowkins anyhow. Relax, Forge."

 

"I just want to go on record as saying I have a bad feeling about this." He still didn’t look convinced.

 

"What’s the worst that can happen? Willow isn’t a witch. It’s not going to work."

 

. . . . . . . . . . .

 

"Would Buffy Summers and Xander Harris please report to the library? Summers and Harris to the library." The loudspeaker squawked to life, disrupting the mid-afternoon naptime also known as U.S. History.

 

As the trio excused themselves from the class and walked to the library, they wondered why they were being summoned and Willow wasn’t. They couldn’t think of anything that they’d done recently that Giles would get upset over, and it’s not as if he was trying to plan a surprise party for Willow.

 

The first thing they noticed when they entered the library was the music that was playing. Piles of books littered across the tables, and Giles could be heard cursing in his office.

 

Buffy and Xander looked at each other and shrugged. A quick game of rock, paper, scissors, and Xander had drawn the duty of drawing Giles out of the office. He sauntered over and knocked on the door. "G-man? What’s going on?"

 

"You’re not funny. It’s not April Fools, I’ve checked, and I do not appreciate being pranked. Turn off those confounded radios you’ve hidden and tell me where you hid my books."

 

"Giles? Um, first of all, what are you talking about? And second, why would I do anything to your books? Aren’t they on the table?" Buffy looked as confused as she felt. "And what made you think that we’d do something like this?"

 

"Willow wouldn’t desecrate a book, Oz wouldn’t pick this genre of music, and Cordelia wouldn’t risk a broken nail to stage this. Besides, it seems like a type of prank Xander would play. And yes, those are books on the table, but they’re all books about the history and lyrics of Caribbean-folk music."

 

"Nah, I’m more of a ‘whipped cream pie in the face’ type of guy. Also, if I was trying to drive you crazy, I would have picked an accordion-heavy polka CD."

 

"If you didn’t do this, then who did? And why? Better yet, how do we get this song off? I could care less if the lime is in the coconut or not." As soon as Buffy made her request, the song died in mid-note and a new song came on. "Well, that was of the bizarre."

 

Giles sighed. "It’s almost like the music is magically driven. I requested a different song half an hour ago, and it immediately came on. I had chalked it up to coincidence, but I’m not so sure now…" As soon as he had spoken, he noticed Buffy and Xander nonchalantly looking away. "Children, is there something you’d like to tell me?"

 

Buffy shuffled her feet and wouldn’t meet his eyes.

 

"Xander, I’m positive there’s something you’d like to tell me." His eyes took on a particularly Ripper-like gleam. "I’d hate to have to eat that last Twinkie in my office by myself, but if you don’t like to share…"

 

"Um, Willow said something about a new nifty spell her cousins taught her… but I didn’t think it would do this."

 

. . . . . . . . . . .

 

"What did you do?" Giles leaned over her chair in a menacing manner.

 

"Nothing?"

 

"I don’t think this counts as nothing."

 

"Just a little spell…"

 

"Willow! What did I tell you about practicing magicks without proper guidance?"

 

"My cousins were there. They’re both card-carrying wizards. It was this nifty spell they showed me – they wanted to know about jello, and suddenly the book in front of us was full of all sorts of jello info. I thought it could be useful. Sorry." The redhead seemed to shrink in her chair.

 

"Jello? You thought jello would be useful? Willow, have I taught you nothing? It’s all about the chocolate!" Xander gave an encouraging smile to his Willow-shaped friend.

 

"Not now, Xander! What. Was. The. Spell?" Giles was doing his best to keep his inner Ripper under control.

 

"Well, the original was ‘Earth, wind, water, and fire-o; sunshine, daisies, butter mellow; show me all you know; about my favorite, jello!’ but they assured me as long as it rhymed, it would work for what every I wanted."

 

"Willow, what did you say?" Giles could feel the migraine coming on. He had a horrible suspicion what she was going to say.

 

"Um, well, I wanted to know about whatever big bad we were going to have to face next, but ‘big bad-o’ didn’t have that ring that I was looking for."

 

"Willow, what did you say?"

 

"So I wanted to know about the upcoming apocalypse, but that still doesn’t rhyme. I just tweaked it a bit. I honestly didn’t think it would do this!"

 

"Willow! Focus!"

 

"Um, apocalypso?"

 

"Godric help us all! Apocalypso, indeed!"

 

"Oops?"

 

**5\. Best Two and a Half Weeks**

_Disclaimer: Still don’t own BtVS or Stargate SG-1 :(_

"Are you positive you’ve never seen this language before?"

 

Daniel ran his hand through his hair, mentally noting that he shouldn’t have used so much gel that morning. He sighed. "Dr. Giles, I’m certain. This is unlike anything I’ve seen before. Are you sure that it wasn’t written in code?"

 

"Quite. Some of the words seem similar, but I can’t seem to recognize any of them. It’s none of the demon languages, and now you’re saying it’s not recognizable to you either." Giles removed his glasses, quickly polished them, and replaced them. He glared at the book in front of them. At first he’d been thrilled when he’d found the ancient tome, and he and Dawn had made short work of the first few chapters which were written in Sumerian. They soon realized that the Sumerian chapters were just a "new" introduction to the much older prophecies that followed. However, they’d been stumped and unable to translate them. He’d finally had to contact Dr. Jackson and offer to collaborate. Three months, and they still had nothing to show for their efforts.

 

"How about we go get some coffee? Not sure about you, but I could use the caffeine. Maybe getting out and walking about a bit could help us. Frankly, I don’t think I can stare at that anymore." Daniel was dying without his daily – well, hourly – cup of coffee. He’d been staring at the tome for four uncaffeinated hours, and he’d reached his limit.

 

"That might be a good idea. Tell me, does Sam still have any more of that delightful tea blend that she showed me last week?"

 

The two men made the mistake of forgetting to lock the door to Daniel’s office as they sauntered out into the hallway.

 

. . . . . . . . . .

 

He made sure that both Drs. Giles and Jackson were going to be out of the office for awhile before he slipped into the room. He’d been dying to get his hands on the book, but nooooo, Giles wouldn’t let him touch it. Every Slayer in North America had looked at it, Willow had looked at, even Xander had been allowed to try to read it. They’d even let two vampyres look at it! Giles just didn’t trust him. He pouted. Life was so unfair! But he’d show them. He just knew that he had to be useful at something other than filming training sessions and doing all the cooking and laundry.

 

His hands shook as he reached out for the weighty tome. Success! He’d finally touched the sacred text without Giles slapping his hands away.

 

He quickly turned past all the goobledy-gook that the Dawnster said was Sumerian. As he looked at the first page of prophecy, he knew he’d been right. He could read it.

 

. . . . . . . . . .

 

After a three hour coffee break, Giles and Daniel returned to Daniel’s office. They’d put off their work for as long as they could.

 

They were quite shocked to see Andrew curled up on the couch, making notes as he read through the book that they thought was unreadable.

 

"Andrew… what? I’m… oh dear."

 

"Hey, G-man! Great book here." Andrew gave him a wide grin.

 

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that? And how can you read that? Neither Daniel nor I can."

 

Andrew just smirked at them. "I don’t think I should."

 

Daniel wasn’t above begging. He just had to know what that language was.

 

"Giles and the rest of them will make fun of me."

 

"Andrew, tell me. Now."

 

"Not until you promise not to let Xander and the Slayers make fun of me."

 

Giles had reached the point that Daniel had reached earlier. While it hurt his pride to beg Andrew, he just had to know what the prophecies were.

 

"Promise. And I’ll buy you that mp3 player you’ve been wanting."

 

Andrew seemed to be considering the offer.

 

Daniel chose to speak up. "I’ll try to get Sam to agree to go out with you. Please, Andrew?"

 

Andrew closed the book and smiled benevolently at them.

 

"Klingon."

 

Both men seemed stunned. "Klingon?"

 

Andrew nodded. "Klingon. Ah, best two and a half weeks I’ve ever spent. Knew memorizing the Klingon dictionary would come in handy some day."

 

**6\. Totally, Like, a Valley Pig**

_Disclaimer: BtVS – not mine. Anita Blake – that would also be not mine. Anything else that you recognize, not mine._

This had the makings of a great day. He finally had the house to himself, and Cherry and Zane had accidentally left the TV on. The Springer show was only minutes away from starting. He loved that show because it was the only thing he knew that was more confusing and chaotic than real life. As the last commercial ended, and the show started, he sighed in contentment. Life was good. Just as the first guest was brought out, a flash of light blinded him. Sulfurous smoke filled the room. He knew his first thought should have been ‘what just happened here?’ but instead he hoped that the smoke didn’t set off the fire alarms – Anita would not be pleased if the sprinklers went off again.

 

When the smoke cleared, the only change that he could see was that a small stuffed pig now rested on Cherry’s favorite pillow.

 

"Greetings, friend. My name is Sigmund. I’m the first of Miss Anita’s penguins. Where did you come from, and may I be of any help?"

 

"Dude! That was, like, such a, like, tubular ride. Like, it totally rocked my world, ya know?"

 

"Pardon, sir?"

 

"Like, you know, that was a totally like bitchin’ ride. Willow is like a totally awesomeish witch. She’s, like, super-super super. Totally."

 

"That’s … nice. What’s your name, sir, and why are you here?"

 

"So, Buffy like totally loves the name Mr. Gordo, but ewwwww… That’s totally squarish. Like, gag me with a spoon! You can call me, like, Gord. Gord sounds like totally bitchin’. And Willow wanted to just send you a message, like on a phone or something else totally geekified, but Buffy was ‘no way’ and Willow was ‘way’ and Buffy was ‘no way’…"

 

Sigmund couldn’t take anymore. He was an old penguin, and he just didn’t understand the younger generation. "Stop! I think I understand. What was the message that Miss Buffy and Miss Willow wanted you to carry to me?"

 

"Um, like let me think a minute. Oh my gawd, I so cannot, like, think under this kind of pressure. Not tubular, dude."

 

Sigmund sighed and mentally counted to ten. "How about you sit over there – quietly, I might add – and think about it. Don’t say anything until you remember it."

 

"Like, this couch is grody to the max! Do I hafta?"

 

"You may sit on the chair if you like, just as long as you’re quiet."

 

Gord glared at him, but luckily kept his mouth shut.

 

. . . . . . . . . .

 

Three hours had passed without any comment from the pig. Sigmund had watched his shows and had a nap before Gord said anything.

 

"Like, Sigmund?"

 

"Yes, Gord?"

 

"I think I finally got the message right. It was something about a vampire doing, like, something bad, at midnightish?"

 

"A vampire doing something bad? Will wonders never cease to amaze me? Can you remember anything else, such as the vampire’s name, what he’s going to do and where, anything of any value?"

 

"Um… well, here. Duh. Why else would Willow send me here if the big bad was going to be, like, someplace else? Um… I think his name was Diana or something else like totally bogus for a guy."

 

"Would that be Damien by any chance?"

 

"Sure, why not?"

 

Sigmund felt like beating his head against the wall. He longed for the days when youngsters were valued for being seen and not heard. "What was Damien going to do, Gord?"

 

"Like, we’re somewhat clueless. Buffy had, like, a slayerish dream where she saw that Diana dude, like, biting Anita or something – maybe it was kissing her, she’s not sure, but whatever. She had, like, a total freakout. But beyond that? I dunno."

 

Sigmund calmed down considerably. Miss Buffy had probably just misunderstood. Everything would be ok. But just to make sure, he’d better put a guard on Damien.

 

. . . . . . . . . .

 

Anita stared at the stuffed pig in confusion. Where had that toy come from? It wasn’t hers, and none of her pard had stuffed pigs either. Maybe Jason had dropped it off as a gag gift. She didn’t want to leave it just sitting on the chair. Someone might accidentally sit on it and smush it. She picked it up, and was going to place it on the armoire, but for some reason she didn’t fully understand, she carried it out of the room with her.

 

. . . . . . . . . .

 

"Anita?" The vampire looked confused.

 

She hid her smile as she answered him. "Yes, Damien?"

 

"Why did I awake to find a stuffed pig resting on my chest?"

 

"You did?" She had to bit her cheek to keep from laughing.

 

He frowned. "I’m afraid I don’t understand the significance of giving me a stuffed animal."

 

"What makes you think that I did that?"

 

"The toy’s fur still carries the scent of your perfume."

 

"Hmmm. That is odd."

 

"Anita," he growled, "I tire of this game. What does it mean?"

 

"Don’t give me that look, mister. And don’t growl either, it’s not nice."

 

"Anita!"

 

She didn’t say anything, just poured herself another cup of coffee. After letting him just sit there and glower, she finally responded.

 

"I thought you just look like you needed a pig."

 

. . . . . . . . . .

 

Damien sat the toy on the edge of the desk. He was still unsure as to why his mistress had gifted him with a child’s stuffed animal, but he would still honor it as he would any gift from her. He looked at it for a minute before deciding what to name it.

 

As he exited the room, he addressed his pig as he flicked the lights off. "Fare thee well, Mistress Piggy, until we meet again."

 

If he’d stayed in the room another minute, he might have heard Mistress Piggy squealing in horror. "Did he, like, say what I, like, think he said? Gag me with a spoon!!! Eeewwww! What an awful name! Willoooooowwww! Like, get me out of here!!! Like, now, it’s totally grody and dark! Willooooowwww! Please! You know that I’m, like, scared of the dark. Please?"

 

He sighed in relief as St. Louis vanished in a puff of smoke.

 

. . . . . . . . . .

 

"Buffy, I’m so sorry." Willow pleaded with her friend.

 

Buffy had her arms wrapped around Mr. Gordo. "It’s ok," she whimpered as tears streaked down her face. "It’s ok. He’s back now, that’s all that matters."

 

"It was totally an accident."

 

"It’s fine, Wills. He’s back, safe and sound. I just was so worried you’d accidentally atomized him or something."

 

"I was trying out that spell that Tara taught me, but I was aiming at the pillow…"

 

Buffy interrupted her. "It’s fine. But if you feel that bad, I’m always open to bribes of chocolate chip cookies."

 

. . . . . . . . . .

 

It was, like, totally tubular to be back home where the sun, like, actually shined and the weather was, like, excellent and Buffy was holding him tight. He had missed his Buffy-shaped friend. He was a bit confused to hear Willow saying something about it being all mistake-like, but he didn’t really care. He vowed to himself he’d never complain about Buffy calling him Mr. Gordo again. He was just ecstatic that he wasn’t going to have to live out the rest of his life being called Piggy. Really, gag me with a spoon!


End file.
